Where is John Wilson?

by John Wilson

Lately I’ve been remembering some funny stories of things my family did when I was little, and my son and wife are always making me laugh. I thought I’d share some of those stories as I think of them.

The Wilson Pants Theorem

Children’s pants have two legs. Therefore, there is a 50% chance that the correct leg will go in the correct hole the first time. Actual findings: there is a 100% chance that the initial leg goes in the wrong hole, or both legs go in the same hole.

Protecting Your Movie Rental

When I was little my dad, brother and I would drive or walk down to the Kom-Pak on Staunton Avenue to rent movies. On those times that we drove, my dad would always take the VCR tape, in the big plastic container and cram it under the seat for the drive home. Sometimes we’d have to make other stops like the gas station or the Corner Cafe, but it was always very important that we stuffed the tapes under the car seat. The rational was that if people saw the tape in our car, they would immediately lose control of their will and break into our Buick LaSabre to steal our copy of “Howard the Duck,” “Harry and the Hendersons” or “Chopping Mall.”

I had completely forgot about this until an incident a day or two back. I was coming home from work when I stopped at the local branch of my bank to hit the ATM, rented a movie at Blockbuster and then purchased a new game at GameStop. When I got to my house I couldn’t find the movie I rented anywhere. Someone totally stole my movie rental! I would be out $80 or whatever the lost video fee was. My dad was right. The thief totally ignored my $3,500 work laptop, the cash sitting in the bank envelope, my GPS, some Disney CDs, and went right for the video.

As I put my head down in my hands to sulk, there it was, jammed under the driver’s seat. I had subconsciously put the video there to keep anyone from stealing it. The nut doesn’t fall too far from the tree, I guess.

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