by John Wilson
Dear South Carolina,
I hope this letter finds you well. Other than the Governor and his soon-to-be ex-wife on the television a bunch, things here in the “Low Country” have been going well. We’re getting our very own Boeing plant, the South East Wildlife Expo this weekend marks the beginning of the tourist season, and the recent oyster festival was one of the biggest yet. Not only those state-wide events, but something in the water caused my wife to get pregnant and now we’re expecting our first child, who will be a native!
I’m writing you today because I need to ask some questions about the pact we made when I moved down here. I promised you I’d pay my ridiculous tax rate, put up with the 107 degree summer days (it’s a wet heat), and learn to eat fish and all you had to do was hold up your end of the bargain.
You see, South Carolina, when all of my friends and family up north ask why I moved down here, I tell them it’s because it never gets below 50 in the winter. They’re buried in snow up to their eyeballs and I’m going for a jog in my shorts. I love to send them pictures of palm trees, and they think it’s funny when I tell them my friends from “down here” put on their heavy coats when the temperature goes below 50.
Now here’s the part I don’t understand. All the great times we’ve spent together, and when I’m not looking, you let it snow. LET IT SNOW?! Not to mention it is 30 degrees. You know no one knows how to drive when it gets like this, and you know that my Facebook page is going to be full of people who haven’t seen snow in ten years building snowmen and I’m going to have to say how cute their kids look… but I have to fake the smile because all I can think about is the fact that YOU LIED! I don’t even know if my house can stand up to this snow, the pipes could be bursting, the shingles could be falling off, my tree is already shedding branches…
South Carolina, do you know that they canceled school yesterday at 1:30pm because it was going to snow at 9pm? That is what I am dealing with down here. In West Virginia they go to school as long as the kids can see over the snow drifts. I swear the super-sized mortgage payment I pay each month has a “no snow” clause. I’m not even sure my hybrid car will turn on. I haven’t “warmed up” a car in five years and I don’t own a shovel, a scraper or a bag of salt.
To say I’m mad at you is an overstatement. Let’s call it “disappointed.” You promised me things that you haven’t been able to deliver on, and I’m not one to forget quickly. I can’t wait til it floods downtown Charleston today.
Cold with wet feet,
P.S. DirecTv doesn’t work in the snow. Lame.
See the rest of the photos at my flickr page here.