Six Flags over Parker
Mar/100
by John Wilson
Do you think putting our 10 day old on a roller coaster was a bad idea? Is 10 days too young?
Whoa!
My wife caught this picture riding in the back seat of our car on the way to the WVU Game Watch. He makes the same face when the WVU Basketball team misses foulshots.
Dear South Carolina (or Snow in Charleston)
Feb/104
by John Wilson
Dear South Carolina,
I hope this letter finds you well. Other than the Governor and his soon-to-be ex-wife on the television a bunch, things here in the “Low Country” have been going well. We’re getting our very own Boeing plant, the South East Wildlife Expo this weekend marks the beginning of the tourist season, and the recent oyster festival was one of the biggest yet. Not only those state-wide events, but something in the water caused my wife to get pregnant and now we’re expecting our first child, who will be a native!
I’m writing you today because I need to ask some questions about the pact we made when I moved down here. I promised you I’d pay my ridiculous tax rate, put up with the 107 degree summer days (it’s a wet heat), and learn to eat fish and all you had to do was hold up your end of the bargain.
You see, South Carolina, when all of my friends and family up north ask why I moved down here, I tell them it’s because it never gets below 50 in the winter. They’re buried in snow up to their eyeballs and I’m going for a jog in my shorts. I love to send them pictures of palm trees, and they think it’s funny when I tell them my friends from “down here” put on their heavy coats when the temperature goes below 50.
Now here’s the part I don’t understand. All the great times we’ve spent together, and when I’m not looking, you let it snow. LET IT SNOW?! Not to mention it is 30 degrees. You know no one knows how to drive when it gets like this, and you know that my Facebook page is going to be full of people who haven’t seen snow in ten years building snowmen and I’m going to have to say how cute their kids look… but I have to fake the smile because all I can think about is the fact that YOU LIED! I don’t even know if my house can stand up to this snow, the pipes could be bursting, the shingles could be falling off, my tree is already shedding branches…
South Carolina, do you know that they canceled school yesterday at 1:30pm because it was going to snow at 9pm? That is what I am dealing with down here. In West Virginia they go to school as long as the kids can see over the snow drifts. I swear the super-sized mortgage payment I pay each month has a “no snow” clause. I’m not even sure my hybrid car will turn on. I haven’t “warmed up” a car in five years and I don’t own a shovel, a scraper or a bag of salt.
To say I’m mad at you is an overstatement. Let’s call it “disappointed.” You promised me things that you haven’t been able to deliver on, and I’m not one to forget quickly. I can’t wait til it floods downtown Charleston today.
Cold with wet feet,
John Wilson
P.S. DirecTv doesn’t work in the snow. Lame.
See the rest of the photos at my flickr page here.
The “Idea” of Las Vegas
Feb/101
by John Wilson
Me and Parker headed to Las Vegas
I was joking with my “any-day-now-hurry-up-and-deliver” pregnant wife about whether or not our unborn son would love Las Vegas as much as I do.
Her immediate reply (she’s pretty witty) was, “If he has to hear you talk about it as much as I do, then I’ll guess no.”
She has never understood why I enjoy it so much. I have only been there three times, twice with family and once for a job interview. I was a VP’s whim of reorganizing the department from moving there, and I’m currently gambling positive, thanks to a strong streak in the Poker Room at the Sahara. I also wrote a “mini-thesis” to complete my MBA on how the marketing campaign What happens is Vegas… positively impacted the Mandalay Bay Resort Group.
The reason I enjoy it so much is the “idea” of Las Vegas. The fact is, Las Vegas strives to be over the top. It is like Disney World for adults. There is a casino where elephants and lions walk behind you while you’re gambling. There are diagonally rising elevators, roller coasters on top of space needles and huge man-made waterfalls viewable just to the folks in the casino.
The “idea” of Las Vegas for me is that the hotel-casinos will do whatever it takes to get you in the door, and then take care of you in such a way to make it easy for you to come back. Stay in the Wynn Las Vegas. The rooms are nicer than your bedroom, the food is better than you can make, and the decor makes your $500 an hour interior decorator look silly. While you are here, they are monitoring all of your eating and spending habits so that they can target their marketing and promotions to your specific tastes, all with the goal of treating you like a king or queen so that you will come back next time, and tell all of your friends.
This glamorous “idea” caters to everyone. If I want to put on some shorts and a t-shirt, I’ll fit right in gambling at the Sahara or the Luxor. If I want to take my kids to Vegas we’ll have a blast at Excaliber or Circus Circus. Want to take some friends to see a UFC fight, or a boxing match, or a concert, you can be sure something is going on at MGM, Mandalay Bay or Caesar’s Palace. There are enough restaurants and enough restaurant turnover in Las Vegas to never eat at the same restaurant twice, ever.
The “idea” of Las Vegas for me, is that if you can get there, you are guaranteed to find something you enjoy, and you can guarantee that activity will be over the top. I think Carlos Parker will love Las Vegas.
Top 7 Geekiest Gifts You Didn’t Get for Christmas
Dec/090
by John Wilson
Here are the top 7 coolest geek presents you didn’t get this year for Christmas:
Hunk-a-Junk
- The Arkeg – 50% Kegerator, 50% Video Game, 100% cool
- Sharp 3D Computer Monitor – Just Say No to goofy headwear
- Legos Millennium Falcon 5,000 Legos and it does point five past light speed
- Alien Gnome Bandits – as seen in SkyMall
- Name a Species – Name a species of bug after a friend or family member
- 108 inch TV – Mario. Life-sized.
- $55,000 Foosball Table
Adventures in the Bible Aisle
Dec/094
by John Wilson
If you go to www.bn.com and search for “Bible” there are over 51,000 results. As I stood in the “Bibles” and “Specialty Bibles” and “Study Bibles” at our local Barnes and Noble, I felt like there were more like 1,000,000. I’m very interested in reading it for the historical background and stories and was hoping to find a version with pictures (I’m a little ADD). The longer I stood there, the more interesting (and funny) it got. Here are some of my observations:
One of 1,000,000 Possibilities
1. Did you know there is a CAMOUFLAGE version of the Bible? Is that in case you get real bored shooting God’s baby deer? There is also a Stock Car version you can read between laps and Bud Lights, and a “Green Version” for in between tokes. There’s a “For Him” version and a “For Her” version, a “For Couples”, “For Teens” and “For Children” version as well as “Large Print”, “Micro Print” and a cornucopia of Red Text versions. There is literally a Bible for “Everyone.” What I couldn’t find was a Bible with pictures which is what I was really looking for and would have been the Bible for John Wilson. Besides the obvious translations differences, is there really a need for all of these versions?
2. Bibles are expensive. I know there is no material substitute for the teachings of the Book, but even the non-hunter friendly versions average about $30 bucks. This didn’t include the versions with leather covers, hard bound, soft bound, metal bookmark, child friendly, blind friendly, gold leaf, thin pages, thick pages, bold text, large margins, small margins, pocket friendly, airport friendly, friend friendly, Jewish friendly (not kidding), etc. which were upwards of $60.
3. No one helps you in the Bible aisle. In my Barnes and Noble, the Bible aisle is right in the middle of the store, right beside the giant help desk. I really wanted a Bible with pictures, and for someone to help me make sense of the madness and the only things around were tumbleweeds, a co-ed (see below) and an occasional cricket chirp. For fun, I jumped over to the Fiction section, and literally within 20 seconds someone was all over me ready to help. After asking them a few questions I moved backed towards the Bible section and she snuck away. The employees even avoid direct eye contact. I’m telling you I’M RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORE. Nothing…
4. Is it wrong to check out girls in the Bible section? I of course am not looking, but when a very attractive girl entered the Bible Aisle it got me thinking…”Would I feel guilty hitting on this girl if I was single, in the Bible Section?”
“Would it be a quick ticket to hell to start making out with this girl in the Christianty row?
Not that anyone who works there would ever come by to see us.
Rude – Nike Outlet Store
Sep/090
by John Wilson
I realize that XXXL is pretty big. I only wear XL and think I could drop an “lb” or two. Seriously though, do you think calling 3XL and 4XL “extreme” is any way to sell t-shirts?
My only thought was that they could mean “XTREEEEME” as in totally awesome, but I don’t think so.
You can find this sign and all the Extreme shirts you need at the Nike Store at the Tanger Outlet Mall in Myrtle Beach, SC.
Special thanks to my friend Matt Brown for pointing this one out while I was shopping for socks.
Travel Tip #5: Don’t Steal Gas in Florida
Aug/090
In my unsuccessful trip to see the cancelled Aerosmith concert in Tampa I noticed the little orange sticker seen to the right on all of the gas pumps. These stickers indicate the last time that particular pump was investigated to make sure it was safe and that it pumps out the amount of gas it says it is. Every gas station in Florida has to be inspected every 12 to 18 months.
For example, here’s a list from a few years back of all the faulty gas pumps in Hillsborough County, FL.
With Charles Bronson as the new Commissioner of Agricultural and Consumer Services I can’t imagine this ring of gas skimpers will continue.
Note: Thank you to all the people who have sent funny travel pictures. I’m going through them all now and they are very funny. I will try to get some of them up soon. Please keep sending your examples to whereisjohnwilson@yahoo.com.
Don’t Outsource Your Signs
Aug/092
by John Wilson
I get a great deal of enjoyment out of goofy signs. Remember the “Disabled Viewing Area” sign? As much as I travel, I run into some pretty funny ones. Here’s one I ran into recently:
Chik-fil-a proves it’s best not to outsource your signage
Main Disconect?
I go to this Chik-fil-a on North Highway 17 in Mount Pleasant, SC way too often. As I was sitting there the other night, just before you come to the window, I saw the sign to the right. Now, I think Chik-fil-a is the best fast food restaurant around. The food is great, the service is impeccable, and it’s way better than the alternatives.
This Chik-fil-a in particular gets tons of traffic because it is so new and it’s placed in a nice section of town (where people may look down their noses at McDonalds).
So, approximately a zillion people have seen this sign. My questions are:
- Has the manager?
- Where is the District Manager?
- The owner?
- Has anyone other than me?
- Can someone buy me a better camera?
Eliminate Phone Message Instructions Now!
Aug/090
No more instructions
Please, for the love of all things time consuming, eliminate phone message instructions.
Is there anyone left on this Earth who can afford a telephone, or can afford to make a call from a payphone, that doesn’t know what an answering machine is, or how it works? They’re pretty simple tools, you talk into the phone, and at an undefined later time your (usually) intended audience receives it. Kids get this, the elderly get this, everyone knows how to do it.
Why do phone companies insist on walking us through it EVERY SINGLE TIME? My work Blackberry is covered through Verizon. They have the following message:
You call has been forwarded to automatic voicemail system. At the tone, please record your message, when you have finished recording you may hang up or press one for more options, to leave a call back number, press 5.
This message takes TWENTY-FOUR seconds. Seriously?
I looked around the Internet some to find the average number of messages left in the United States daily, but didn’t have much luck. But just for fun, lets make some conservative estimates:
- The average person makes ten calls a day
- Of those ten, two require a voice message (I hate when people are actually there and you want to leave a message)
- That is 30 minutes a month
- …which is six hours a year!
If you make phone calls regularly from age 15 to age 75, that’s 360 hours or 15 days listening to the same instructions over and over.
The answer: eliminate the instructions all together. The caller obviously needs to know that the machine picked up the call rather than the intended audience, so the message should say this, “Please leave a message (beep).” No one is pressing 1 for more options, no one is pressing 5 to leave a call back number.
This also makes the human message unnecessary. Please don’t tell me you’re not available, or that I need to leave my name, number and a short message. What if I have a long message? You probably have my number, and if you don’t, it’s common sense that I’d leave it, right?
Oh… and I should wait for the beep… thanks, I almost forgot. And while we are at it, please don’t tell me you’ll call me back at your “earliest convenience”, especially on a work related phone, not cool.
</rant>
John Wilson on Nudity and Obamacare
Aug/092
by John Wilson (fully dressed right now)
If we all had to walk around naked, would everyone be thinner?
This is the solution to the health care crisis in America. Instead of some poorly designed Obamacare program, let’s make everyone take their clothes off. You can leave your bra on of course (at least in the first five years of the program) and mid-thigh shorts are appropriate for the bottom half, flip flops, and that’s it.
I bet you’ll think twice about stopping at McDonalds on the way to work. The sad thing is, I’m not sure this would make any real changes in health. It would, however, make for an interesting walk through the mall.