Adventures in the Bible Aisle
by John Wilson
If you go to www.bn.com and search for “Bible” there are over 51,000 results. As I stood in the “Bibles” and “Specialty Bibles” and “Study Bibles” at our local Barnes and Noble, I felt like there were more like 1,000,000. I’m very interested in reading it for the historical background and stories and was hoping to find a version with pictures (I’m a little ADD). The longer I stood there, the more interesting (and funny) it got. Here are some of my observations:
One of 1,000,000 Possibilities
1. Did you know there is a CAMOUFLAGE version of the Bible? Is that in case you get real bored shooting God’s baby deer? There is also a Stock Car version you can read between laps and Bud Lights, and a “Green Version” for in between tokes. There’s a “For Him” version and a “For Her” version, a “For Couples”, “For Teens” and “For Children” version as well as “Large Print”, “Micro Print” and a cornucopia of Red Text versions. There is literally a Bible for “Everyone.” What I couldn’t find was a Bible with pictures which is what I was really looking for and would have been the Bible for John Wilson. Besides the obvious translations differences, is there really a need for all of these versions?
2. Bibles are expensive. I know there is no material substitute for the teachings of the Book, but even the non-hunter friendly versions average about $30 bucks. This didn’t include the versions with leather covers, hard bound, soft bound, metal bookmark, child friendly, blind friendly, gold leaf, thin pages, thick pages, bold text, large margins, small margins, pocket friendly, airport friendly, friend friendly, Jewish friendly (not kidding), etc. which were upwards of $60.
3. No one helps you in the Bible aisle. In my Barnes and Noble, the Bible aisle is right in the middle of the store, right beside the giant help desk. I really wanted a Bible with pictures, and for someone to help me make sense of the madness and the only things around were tumbleweeds, a co-ed (see below) and an occasional cricket chirp. For fun, I jumped over to the Fiction section, and literally within 20 seconds someone was all over me ready to help. After asking them a few questions I moved backed towards the Bible section and she snuck away. The employees even avoid direct eye contact. I’m telling you I’M RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORE. Nothing…
4. Is it wrong to check out girls in the Bible section? I of course am not looking, but when a very attractive girl entered the Bible Aisle it got me thinking…”Would I feel guilty hitting on this girl if I was single, in the Bible Section?”
“Would it be a quick ticket to hell to start making out with this girl in the Christianty row?
Not that anyone who works there would ever come by to see us.
Your prose never cease to entertain me. Re: making out with the girl in the Christianity row, I think God would understand. Re: finding a Bible with pictures – - you might be missing the point since the Bible is about the message contained in the words. Perhaps you could just read one verse a day. This way your ADD won’t get in the way. Of course, you’ll be 90+ when you finish it.
If you’re serious about finding the right one, I recommend going to
North Charleston LifeWay Christian Store in North Charleston. Here’s the number so you can call for directions: 843-553-6951.
There’s so much great artwork around the Bible, you’d think there would be a version that showed some of it. I mean…there’s a CAMO version!
I think if you tried a children’s Bible or a child’s bible stories, you would get the pictures. I think there is one on the shelf in the office I’ll bring to you.
I bought one. I found a real nice site on the internet that gives you an outline of what to read so that you get the main ideas without having to read all of the “begets” and “begots” or whatever.
You can find it here: http://www.biblegateway.com/resources/readingplans/survey.php
Good work ! Keep us posting, you are very good writer.